loosing the fight?

A goal without a plan is just a wish....

I had something to say, but its gone. Shhhhiiiit. That's been happening a lot. Used to happen when I had too much on my mind... now, I don't know what the deal is. I have been seeking clarity and calmness... For the rest of the year I am ruling out anxiety. It's bullshit. You hear that anxiety.... I fucking said that, bullshit!! I am doing a little housekeeping, clearing out the cobwebs.... to just chill. I just wanna relax. Everyone is so uptight. Can't stand it, wanna just roll... So, that's what I'm doin'.
What a crazy ass week. Don't wanna bitch, but holy! It really put things into perspective for me. I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life... But I am quickly picking up on what I don't want. I think! My Paps left my Ma again... Can't even count the number of times this has happened. She always looks to me all doe-eyed with a slightly misty expression like what the hell happened this time. I never know what to say. I am not one of those people that are savvy with on the spot talk... So I just listen. Same story, same shit. That's all I think. Then I think life is too short... why do we do this to ourselves??? Then I think, what's love? I am so lost as to what that is any more. I could babble on an on about all this... but for what:? I almost feel it is a waste of space, a waste of emotion, and a waste of energy.
Cage... been listening to him. He is so raw... it's insane, it's intense. His vulgarity draws me in like a moth to a flame... I eat that shit up like a crack baby. It's great. I guess some times you just don't want things sugar coated... n he sure don't do that.
Playin hooky tomorrow night to go to the Zion I show. Really hope its worth it... Hopefully Jessy will come with. I kinda feel like a tool sometimes goin alone. But oh well... I have been really looking forward to it. So if I go it alone, I am still going.
I had this awakening. I wanna write a book. Its about my life. I think its going to be titled "The Music of my Heart". So, look for it someday... It might be out there. I am assigning everyone that comes up as musicians... that way every ones name is masked as well as it includes my one and only love, music... It's always about the music. The story is going to be slightly twisted so that way anyone that tries to figure out which character they are, it will be hard. Actually. It probably won't be. Who knows.
I have been totally diggin this song called X-Ray eyes... its so damn good. I feel the same way about this song as I did about the first time I discovered Cope's song Holdin On. F'ing beautiful. Cope's song is the kinda song you would want to share with somebody. I have always been scared to "have songs with boyfriends" cause then when the man is long gone you have that song that lingers. You know that you torture yourself and play it from time to time. Just to see if you still feel. I have successfully made it though life sharing only two. Mazzy Star's "Fade Into You", and the Beatles' "Something" both with the same guy.
All this love in the air... I have two weddings coming up this month. It made me realize two things.... I have been thinking about what I would do if I had my own... lame, I know. Also, that I haven't dated anyone in like 2 1/2 years. I have heard many stories about wedding planning and the details, details, details. I kinda hope that when and if it ever comes around for me, that a "mix tape" if you can even call it that, comes with the event. The event being the proposal. Does anyone even make them anyone...? I know I do, but then again, I am a rare breed. I think they are the best gift in the entire world. We need to bring them back, if the idea is dead. Another thought, "Love is a Mixtape". One of my favorite books. Some might find it hard to relate to because the music it references is music of the late eighties and early nineties. But still a good read in my book... bad joke.
Well early morning, for me at least. Better try and sleep. Crossing my fingers for some interesting dreams.
all my love.